Archive for the ‘Coming Out’ Category

Safe to be ourselves, to be relevant.

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

Over the last two decades, I’ve had opportunity to at least sample what gay life is like in Latin America, Canada and Europe.  We have visited bars and other establishments in Mexico City and Monterrey, Toronto, Milan, Barcelona, Paris, etc.  We also traveled with the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles to Moscow and St. Petersburg, Russia, and Berlin.  We’ve had a few beers in Prague, where gay life has been quite open for a long time.

Tonight I am writing from San Jose, Costa Rica, in a “gay hotel”– a place that probably could not have existed two decades ago.  It is run by an “expat” American and caters mostly but not exclusively to U.S. and Canadian tourists who, thanks to the internet, can find a place like the Colours Oasis Resort.

What I find most interesting is that “Ticos” (Costa Rica’s term for its own people) also come here from elsewhere in the country because they can be themselves, or vacation as lesbian or gay couples with relative openness.  I might add, in case you are curious, that this is a legitimate, well-run boutique-sized establishment where nudity is not an option and momentary sexual encounters are not part of the scene.

In addition to the safety for guests, this is an oasis for gay employees who can find jobs and futures without shame or fear.

Costa Rica is relatively “open” to gay people, but mostly in a “don’t ask don’t tell” sense.  A one-page essay inside the guest book of the hotel explains in English what is appropriate and what to expect.  But it is  heartening to see that the host/waiter in the restaurant and the cook in the kitchen can test out and strengthen their one-year relationship in the safety of this resort.

For LGBT people in the United States, worrying about safety in 2011 seems almost quaint.  But for Latin America, it is amazing progress.

What seems to be lacking, of course, is any reference to the Christian church.  Everyone mentions the church only as geographical reference point, such as a gay bar which is several blocks east and south of the Cathedral.  But when we asked one person whether he was Catholic, he smiled and said  “mas or menos.”  As with millions in the United States, the church continues to speak in a largely irrelevant manner to its own people, and by adulthood they drift away.

I am convinced this is not because the church is morally strict and people do not want to live up to that strictness.  It is because the church is not listening, does not walk with people in their real life experiences, and therefore has little which is relevant to say.

But although we have not located a worship service yet for Sunday morning, there is a small group of Lutheran missions in Costa Rica and a bishop who oversees the church.  It appears from the web that they are trying very much to be relevant with ministries for those with HIV/AIDS, refugees, the poor, etc.  Because the Lutheran church here is not the establishment church, it has much less to risk in ministering among the marginalized.  We can only hope that it would some day also recognize its mission to LGBT people in its midst.

— Pastor Dan Hooper

Touch us gently.

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

As many of readers of Indwelling Spirit may realize by now, I scribble little “Notes to Self” and don’t get back to them right away. They clutter my desk and brief case and bedside table. Sometimes, months later, these notes take some deciphering, and as I get back to this blog after many months of being overwhelmed by other responsibilities, I am evaluating some of my own scrawled notes:

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Each of us probably remembers this feeling from a doctor or dentist visit: We have pain. The “spot” is very sensitive. We know that this needs the attention of a professional, perhaps even a specialist, but we brace ourselves against what might be careless or overzealous medical attention. “Please be gentle!” we scream under our breath just before we are touched, poked, probed —or drilled!

When someone tells me about a pain they are having, or their story of a recent doctor visit, I am thinking, “I know exactly how you feel,” because I have had similar experiences where a pain was deep or sharp and I found myself pleading for gentle treatment.

Spiritually, there is an important parallel here. We may be living with a lot of pain, spiritually. It takes awhile for it to build up to the point where we recognize its symptoms, or are ready to talk about it. Yet we are really reluctant to take our inner emotional/spiritual pain to a specialist—to a counselor, confessor, pastor or spiritual director.

Why do we avoid getting spiritual help when we are in pain?

I suspect that often the reason is that we don’t expect we will be treated gently, either by a counselor/pastor or by God. Many people have experienced so much judgmentalism, rejection, and threats of punishment from religious figures —and told they can expect the same from Almighty God!—that they avoid taking their spiritual symptoms to them.

All of us have been poked, probed, drilled, scolded, and pushed away at some point—at a very sensitive point in our lives—when what we really needed was a gentle touch or a hug, not a lecture, scolding, ultimatum or damnation.

Time and time again this has been especially true for LGBT people. We have symptoms of emotional and spiritual distress. We hurt. It has taken a lot of time for many of us to bring this pain to the surface, and to recognize the symptom of our deep discomfort. We’re not sure of ourselves let alone sure of our relationship to God.

But because of either our own experiences or those of friends, we avoid seeking counsel or guidance for our spiritual lives, because we cannot take any more harsh treatment. Some of us just go on living with the pain rather than seeking a specialist that can help clear it up, because of the risk of spiritual mistreatment or harm. The so-called Ex-Gay campaign, for example, has been unmasked as an effort that subjects gay people to immeasurable pain and mistreatment.

Often I try to explain to non-gay church people what the significant pastoral and spiritual issues are for LGBT people. Some of these people are sympathetic enough to recognize the prejudice and rejection that lesbian/gay people especially have experienced. But because they are in the sexual majority, not sexual minority, they do not fully understand or fully feel the pain that we talk about.

Yes, there are many other Christian people out there who are not sympathetic at all. They continue to finger the same few “clobber” passages in the Bible, and point to them with a sharpened index finger, like a doctor thumping on a medical manual at the possible diagnosis. And because they are so certain of their allegiance to God as they understand him, they almost aggressively attack the wounded or the hurting with this “immutable” word of the Lord. An old saying expresses this pretty well: The church is the only army that shoots its own wounded.

God does not approach us that way. If anything, God touches all who are in pain, all who have open wounds, more gently. God’s approach to our pain or suffering is an embrace, not a probe or poke or drill. From the Lutheran rite for Confession and Forgiveness (Summer 2011), “As tender as a parent to child, so gentile is God to us. As high as heaven is above the earth, so vast is God’s love for us. As far as east is from west, so far God removes our sin, renewing our lives in Jesus Christ.”

If we would simply look again at even a handful of the stories in the Gospels about how Jesus approached people in pain, we would clearly see this gentle approach: the woman caught in adultery, the woman at the well (who had already been married 5 times), the rich young ruler, Nicodemus, Zaccheus, Thomas the Doubter, Judas Iscariot, the soldiers who crucified him, and the thief on the cross.

To be sure, Jesus often does challenge people to put greater trust and faith in him, or to turn their lives around (“Go, and sin no more”). But his spiritual approach is always gentle. I might even speculate that Jesus had heard of the Hippocratic Oath (5th Century B.C.), to which this classic phrase is often traced: primum non nocere, “first, do no harm.” It certainly calls for reflection for those of us who are spiritual guides, counselors, confessors and pastors, and especially for those who are LGBT people of faith.

I have a definite sense of what God’s gentle touch means. (See my essay, “About Jesus,” for example.) Obviously, a lot of rock-hard conservative clergy and laity wouldn’t agree with me, and they can drill their forefinger into the pages of the Bible to “prove” it. But as I’ve said before, “God’s Word for us is always an invitation, not an ultimatum.” And you can quote me on that.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Is there a trend going?

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

Just weeks after the Presbyterian Church in the U. S. A. finally opened its doors to lesbian and gay clergy, today’s breaking news is that the Church of Scotland is doing the same.

The British Guardian reports the story, which also touches on the issue of same-sex marriage.

The Church of Scotland is the largest Protestant body in Scotland (although not large, only some 450,000 members). Since the Reformation four centuries ago, the Church of Scotland has been a part of the Reformed movement which is essentially Presbyterian in polity.

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“The church’s general assembly, its law-making body, voted on Monday to lift that moratorium, officially allowing gay ministers to take on parishes for the first time since its formation 450 years ago.”

The story, however, dies not indicate whether the Church of Scotland voters were in any way influenced by the ratification of changes in policy in the PCUSA earlier this month.What is fascinating in the Guardian story are the competing predictions of potential disaster (before the vote was taken by the church’s general Assembly): the number of ministers and congregants who would leave the church if homosexual clergy are permitted, and the number of ministers and congregants who would leave the church if homosexual clergy are not permitted. It seems human nature cannot resist the making of polarizing threats.For the record, there were hundreds of clergy and thousands of believers in my own Evangelical Lutheran Church in America who never promised to leave or threatened anything for the decades it took to shift the thinking of the entire churchbody. Although we have certainly not won over every heart and mind, the scale tipped in favor of openness and tolerance in August 2009, and all efforts to rescind this new liberal policy have thus far failed miserably.

Although the Guardian story is too brief and vague, it notes that “In addition, the church has set up a commission to investigate the theological issues raised by the acceptance of gay clergy.” In contrast, the ELCA studied the issues almost to death, including the adoption of a comprehensive statement on Human Sexuality, before it recommended action two years ago.

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We shall stay on the look-out for more information coming directly from the Church of Scotland.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Remembering the Closet

Friday, February 11th, 2011

We are on a family vacation right now, and this afternoon, going through old family photographs.  Memories led to reflection and even theorizing about life and it’s strange experiences and demands and triumphs.  At several points, the touchy subject came up about distance or even estrangement between relatives, etc.  How much of this has been caused —especially in years past—by homophobia?  Relatives who kept us at arms length because we are a gay couple?  Or treated someone else in the family badly because that person was kind and accepting of us?  We will probably never know for sure.

I began thinking about the coming out process, and how huge this must be for millions of LGBT people.  But homophobia swings both ways, as we suffer both the slights and insults of others, and also suffer the psychic damage to ourselves–deeply buried like a knife. 

Probably thousands of blogs are out there to help people come out.  If you find this or as blog like this, chances are you are out or already testing what the process means.  It either could be or already has been scary.  Disclosing anything deeply truthful about oneself can be frightening because of the risks of rejection and actual mistreatment by family, friends and community.  I remember coming out to friends first, who were pretty much okay with it, and then my own parents, which I handled badly and which made my dad cry.  It was a mess, for several years, before it got better.

I started the coming out process only a few months after the Stonewall Rebellion, at a time when it was extremely to do so.  But with a number of years of life experiences and years for reflection and thinking about my life experiences, I still believe without a doubt that the most important thing anyone can do is to be honest with oneself and about oneself. 

If you are lesbian/gay, bisexual or even transgender, your inner spirit will either be free and honest or it will begin to die.  Know yourself, examine your self, test your feelings and experiences.  Keep a journal if you can’t tell anyone else. 


But denial will keep you locked in misery.  At this point in life, I think it is safe to say that I have no regrets that I have lived my life openly and honestly.  The risks were still there, and I took hits for it, even to the point of losing my job and career over it—not recently, of course.  The world has changed incredibly since I came out.

And the world will continue to change.  The more truthful we are with ourselves and others, and the more we hold firmly to our own sense of integrity, the more I believe the world will become a better place.

 

— Pastor Dan Hooper

Warm feeling: claim the love.

Friday, December 31st, 2010

A long-ago friend recently wrote to me by e-mail, and now we’ve reconnected too on Facebook. He mentioned the church where I was an intern—the Vicar—for one year. He has returned several times, but says he didn’t find “the warm feeling I had there years ago.”

Of course, years ago he was a teenager, in a faithful family of the church, and all of life’s adult challenges and problems had probably not exploded yet for him. I re-read his message several times tonight, and the words that snagged me each time were “the warm feeling I had there years ago.”

What is that “warm feeling”? And where did it go?

I am mindful these days (writing in this very last hour of 2010) how much the world keeps changing. I reflect on a lifetime of remaining faithful to the Christian church — the Lutheran church — even in those decades that I knew I wouldn’t be loved if they knew the real me. But I remained faithful because I believed that God was faithful with me and that was all that mattered.

But “the warm feeling” is so much the creation of culture and emotion, which both change, be fickle, or disappear in a New York minute. Over the years I have seen so many of my own contemporaries disappear from the church, or at least from making a commitment, because they didn’t experience or maybe didn’t even want a “warm feeling.” But I am happy to say that I’m seeing this again in our time. It’s a vastly different warm feeling than our families and our childhood/youth culture provided. It is more honest, more grounded, less religious but more spiritual. It has nothing to do with social conventionality, and everything to do with personal integrity and the search for values over sensations.

For me, I think a new “warm feeling” started the day I realized that— if there is a God— God knows me all the way through, and in fact knows all the secrets I was trying to hide from myself and others. The realization caused me brief terror (like “OH NO!!”) until I saw this awareness of God’s knowledge in the same frame as God’s love: I am known by God who is omniscient, as I really am, and yet God loves me. That’s what is so shocking and revolutionary — that, being known fully and deeply, we are still loved.

There is an old phrase in the “red book” (Service Book and Hymnal) that I grew up with, I think, maybe in the Confession of Sins, that said of God: “from whom no secrets are hid.” In psychological terms, this represents true intimacy — when my guard is down, my pretense is gone, my vulnerability is at the maximum, and yet I genuinely sense that I am loved.

Well, maybe it sounds like a lot of theoretical crap.  This goes back decades now, but I think about the time all of this was working through my mind/heart, I was also having many new conversations with troubled young gay people — who never had any “warm feeling” but instead felt “that sick feeling” of rejection and fear of judgment. And my heart went out to them.

I remember sitting up very late many different nights with people who were terrified and wanted to run, if not from God, from any expression of the church. The fear of exposure was a wall too high to tear down merely on the promise that love awaits us all on the other side. But deeply and consistently I heard the secret equivalent of a “Voice” saying to me: “It’s true. Trust this. Follow this. God loves you as you are. It’s okay to come out of hiding.” And so I did. And ever since I’ve keep encouraging others to do likewise. Come out of hiding. Claim the love that Jesus promised.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

We asked, and we got what we asked for.

Saturday, December 18th, 2010

This was never my fight, but it is emblematic of the struggle for all to be treated equally. According to the Human Rights Campaign this morning, the repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” law has passed the U.S. Senate. It had passed the House already.

Breaking news: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” repeal has just cleared its last congressional hurdle.

This discriminatory law will be relegated to the dustbin of history. This stain on our nation will be lifted forever. . . .

Today, America lived up to its highest ideals of freedom and equality. Today, our federal government recognized that ALL men and women have the right to openly serve the country they believe in. That it doesn’t matter who you are, or who you love – you are not a second-class citizen.

Think of the kids out there tonight, watching this on the news – kids who are bullied for being different, who live in fear daily that their parents will hate them if they find out the truth… Think of the relief, the empowerment, the sense of possibility they’ll feel, knowing that the U.S. military has said: if you’re lesbian or gay, you are worthy. We want you to join us, side by side, as equals.

Well HRC is a bit triumphalistic here. and it of course ties the “breaking news” to the same fund-raising appeal you find in every e-mail. But the true still sinks in. After the procedural, majority-only vote later this weekend, President Obama will sign the repeal bill into law.

This is sadly overdue for a nation which believes in due process and equal protection. Yes, there are shrill voices in the Marines, etc., that don’t want “open” homosexuals in their ranks. According to a chum who used to be a military chaplain, it is not true a quarter of the U.S. Marines are really gay. It’s much closer to half, he told me. Is our nation any safer, or is morale any higher, when people are secretive? We have been over this ground many times, of the dangers and inherent climate of catastrophe that develops when people are deeply closeted and then don’t develop the self-respect or good judgment to avoid “slipping.” Men and women who are out to themselves and others, and have learned to feel self-esteem, are better judges of how to behave that the closeted and fearful who have never developed the friendships or done the emotional and mental homework of working through their sexuality.

I don’t know where to track this quote originally, but a couple of months ago it was none other than Lady Gaga who commented that cohesion and morale in the military would improve not by kicking out the gay and lesbian people but by kicking out the homophobes! She’s pretty much on target there.

If you are a letter-writer or e-mail writer, send your representatives in congress a big thank-you for their courageous votes (if they voted courageously). If your senator or congressman voted against repeal, please act accordingly.

— Dan Hooper

We have met the enemy.

Saturday, November 20th, 2010

After watching the emotionally-wrenching “It Gets Better” video from Oral Roberts’ grandson, Randy Roberts Potts, no one could deny that LGBT people have their most formidable “enemy” in the right-wing Christian church. In the video, Randy reads a letter he has written to his gay Uncle Ronnie, who took his own life on June 10, 1982.

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(Full disclosure: I am not a member of a right-wing Christian church, but of a church which has struggled with all the issues in the contemporary sexuality wars and come out to a place which welcomes and affirms LGBT people.)

As if anybody would have doubted this, there is a smoking gun that now tries to connect the alarming rate of gay/teen suicides and the homophobia of right-wing Christian churches. The Public Religion Research Institute (based in Washington D.C.) has recently published this: “Two-thirds see connections between messages coming from America’s places of worship and higher rates of suicide among gay and lesbian youth.”

Over a thousand people were asked their opinions about church and homosexuality, but only five questions were asked. The Institute summarized their findings:

“A plurality (43%) of Americans say the messages coming from places of worship are negative, and 4-in-10 Americans believe that these messages contribute “a lot” to negative perceptions of gay and lesbian people. One-third (33%) of the public also believe that messages from religious bodies are contributing “a lot” to higher rates of suicide among gay and lesbian youth, and another third (32%) say these message contribute “a little;” only 21% say they do not contribute at all.”The PRRI partnered with Religious News Service to survey American attitudes. As with any other issue, there is a spectrum of opinion. In the survey results, however, the questions asked allowed for a lot of ambiguity in assessing the answers given. For example although 43% believe that negative messages are coming out of “places of worship”— churches— this may include people who firmly believe that negative messages should be coming, in other words, that words of judgment ought to be preached from Christian pulpits.The third question was: “If you had to grade your own place of worship on how it is handling the issue of homosexuality? Would you give it an ‘A’, a ‘B’ a ‘C’, a ‘D’ or an ‘F’?” As worded, of course, this doesn’t tell you if respondents’ churches were preaching judgment or understanding. Twenty-eight percent, the largest group, gave their own churches an “A” in its “handling of homosexuality.” But this may include right-wing fundamentalists who like judgmental preaching about homosexuality and therefore give their church and its preacher high marks for scolding or damning homosexuals.Similarly, 24% percent gave their own church an “F” for its handling of homosexuality. But which “side” are these respondents on? A full 44% of the respondents believe that same-gender sexual relations are sinful.The questions could have been asked to filter the grading of America’s churches more intelligently. But at least there is no doubt from this study that many churches are broadcasting negative messages.It takes only a small link in one’s brain—like a simple circuit being switched on—to realize that if America’s churches are publicly proclaiming negative messages about homosexuality, there are young people in the pews hearing and heeding those messages.If you are a straight young kid, and you hear negativity being preached, you may (a) think it doesn’t apply to you, (b) like what you hear because you already dislike homosexuals, (c) be inspired to express hatred or homophobic violence because you see and hear Christian role models doing the same.

But if you are a young person trying to discern and understand your own sexuality, and coming to the realization that you are indeed homosexual, the choices are entirely different. You may: (a) try to convince yourself you are not really gay; (b) begin to think that God and the church don’t want you around and look for the nearest exit; (c) feel deeply shamed and conflicted; (d) hate yourself enough to think of a “final solution”—taking your own life. Don’t!!!

Clearly, there is no one Christian message about human sexuality these days. The worst thing churches do is to speak forcefully and authoritatively when they haven’t done their homework and haven’t listened to the personal stories and testimony of the people they’re talking about. The personal coming out stories of individuals to their families, friends and fellow-church members is the single most powerful tool for changing public attitudes.

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When Rev. Jim Swilley of Church in the Now in Conyers, Georgia came out to his congregation as a gay man last month—at enormous risk to himself and his mega-church to be sure—he nonetheless contributed to changing social attitudes. Some people in the “bishop’s” church got up and walked out, apparently during his sensitive, honest coming out speech (over an hour long). Others, including many from all of the country, applauded his courage and honesty.

But the bottom line is that integrity and honesty demand us to take the risks we take in telling our stories. Those who can handle the truth remain our friends and maintain our family ties. But parents, siblings and friends who can’t handle it are choosing to destroy important relationships that don’t conform to their expectations.

For me, the bottom line is not a scorecard on how American houses of worship are handling homosexuality, but how they handle the truth.

(a) We’re here, we’re queer. Get used to it.

(b) God loves the whole world. No exceptions.

(c) The Bible is a book of God’s gracious promises, not a weapon.

(d) Human beings don’t “choose” our sexual orientation, but discover it.

(e) In spite of everything, many LGBT love God and remain faithful to the Christian faith.

(f) All of the above.

— Pastor Dan Hooper

Is it any wonder?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

All of us are still stunned but energized by the wave of gay suicides in the last two months. (I am trying to get access to a camera to tape my own “It Gets Better” story.) But is it any wonder that young LGBT people, even in the year 2010, have a hard time preserving their own self-esteem and walking confidently in this world when there are hate-mongers out there trying to pass as Christian?

In his weekly column, Wayne Besen (Truth Wins Out) reports on another month-old issue, that Andrew Shirvell has been fired from his position as Assistant Attorney General for Michigan. Besen describes Shirvell as a nutjob and sicko–probably overstepping the line in his speculation that Shirvell may be a closeted homosexual, too—but there is evidence that the former AAG obsessed about a 21-year old college student (and University of Michigan Student Body President) Chris Armstrong, even stalking his residence in the middle of the night and attempting to defame him online. According to MSNBC, “Shirvell’s boss, Attorney General Mike Cox, said the firing came after a state investigation revealed that Shirvell ‘repeatedly violated office policies, engaged in borderline stalking behavior and inappropriately used state resources.’”

What continues to amaze and distress me is why individuals who, for whatever reason, don’t like or approve of homosexuality don’t just avoid it. There are plenty of things I don’t like, don’t approve of and wish would go away (for example, gratuitous violence in society and in the movies), but my disapproval usually stops with my brief rants at the dinner table or watching the evening news.

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What sets people like Shirvell apart is that he can’t give it a rest. In fact, he uses his so-called Christian faith as justification for going on a mission to defame or hurt gay people. According to material quoted by Besen, “In a September CNN interview, Shirvell used religion and the constitution to defend his bullying. ‘I’m a Christian citizen exercising my First Amendment rights,’ he told Anderson Cooper. ‘I have no problem with the fact that Chris is a homosexual. I have a problem with the fact that he’s advancing a radical homosexual agenda.’”

But Shirvell’s supposed motivation for his weird behavior doesn’t set him apart at all. He is just one more public figure who has spouted the predictable rhetoric of reactionary hatred. A key part of this predictable rhetoric is denouncing the so-called “homosexual agenda.”

Let’s tell the truth. There is a “homosexual agenda.” But it is hardly radical. Sexual minorities want to live their lives like everybody else, and to be treated with the same respect that any person alive deserves. For Shirvell, or anybody else, to appeal to or claim “First Amendment rights,” for example, is also claiming a right to respect. When someone’s right to free speech is disregarded or silenced, it is major disrespect — a way of saying, “no you’re not entitled to be heard in the larger community.” Well, Mr. Shirvell, my homosexual agenda is closely allied to my First Amendment rights. And as a Christian, I am exercising them, too, by saying that I deserve respect in the public forum, not only because the U. S. Constitution affirms those rights and that respect, but because our Creator and Lord have affirmed them.  So I hereby claim as a personal truth this promise: “I will give you words and a wisdom,” says Jesus in Luke 21:15, “that none of your opponents will be able to withstand or contradict.” Can your views, and your screwball stalking behavior, meet this test, Mr. Shirvell?

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Change. For the better.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

I am hopeful that America is not going to let this fall’s tragic rush of gay teen suicides just slide into the past without a deeper understanding of the pain and anguish that LGBT teens are facing. All of us need to do something about it, whether or not we have teen children.

Now this past week, we learn of the suicide of 19-year old Corey Jackson. This is becoming a national emergency.

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But I am encouraged by two resources on the web. The one is the It Gets Better Project on Youtube, launched by gay columnist Dan Savage, which features the voices of literally hundreds of Americans who offer their stories and their encouragement to LGBT teens. As of this week, even President Obama has posted his offering. The Human Rights Campaign’s Religion & Faith News” contained a link for Susan Russell’s video (on her personal blog). Rev. Canon Russell is the senior associate priest on the staff of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena.

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The other is the Make It Better Project, which I just learned about in an e-mail from Robin McGehee, Director of Get Equal, “President Obama, you can make it better,” which was posted yesterday. In it, McGehee shares the letter from Tammy Aaberg, whose son Justin Aaberg took his own life because of bullying. The Make It Better Project is produced by the GSA Network, where you can see young gay/lesbian people offering their experience and encouragement.

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On that site, you can watch several video segments, including a 5:00 minute trailer for a new documentary “It’s Elementary” from Ground Spark there are other excellent-looking resources on their site about gender, bullying, family diversity, etc.

Personally, I was moved by the amateur videos on It Gets Better to write my own script, with a little bit of my personal story, but as yet I don’t have the camera to go visual. Work with me, people, and I may wind up on Youtube.

— Pastor Dan Hooper

Isn’t Christianity about love?

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

No Bull Productions has just released two parts in a series on Youtube for KAC Media. Months ago, I was interviewed for about an hour for these TV journalism pieces. It is a good treatment of the constant warfare between the right-wing born-again sign-wavers and those of us who are serving in the LGBT/Christian community.

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The rejective/punitive crowd feels bound by its interpretation of the Bible to “warn” the rest of us about our “lifestyle.” That we are “playing in the middle of God’s freeway” and our “house is on fire” is about the most reasoned and compassionate thing they can find to explain why they keep it up with the signs and bullhorn at Gay Pride parades. Of course, these local folks—like the lonely man who came to hold up a sign the day I was officially installed as the pastor of my congregation—should not be confused with the wingnut cases in Topeka, Kansas who rant their “God hates fags” creed. (The shock value of that statement wore off about 20 years ago, but they are certainly faithful to their delusion.)

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KAC Media tries to reach second-generation Korean-Americans by asking tough social/faithful questions that their parent’s generation don’t want to talk about openly. the second generation also speaks English, and easily crosses over the ethnic divide, so these interviews reflect today’s blend of cultural views of young people of any ethnicity.

These interviews—in the streets and the churches— can be seen in two installments at:

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PART 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6PqndUJ8P4

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PART 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoMbS9B3FoM

Stay tuned. More episodes will be forthcoming, according to Producer Brian Kim.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

A Sad Season for Teens

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Today is National Coming Out Day, and it’s no reason to celebrate this year. Gay teens are dying, and it would have been better by far if they could not be out until they were older and a little better to defend themselves or get away from the hostility of their teen peers or hateful parents.

The suicides of several gay youth in the last several weeks, because of relentless bullying they experience, causes me dismay and deep sadness.

It never seems to end. Fifteen years ago Leroy Aarons published his book Prayers for Bobby about a gay teen —harassed by his own fundamentalist mother about his sinfulness until he jumped off a freeway overpass to his death.

A few years ago, in the film The Bible Tells Me So, which traces the stories of five families trying to cope with the coming out of a gay child, one mother must also cope with the fact that her lack of acceptance of her daughter led to her daughter’s suicide.

If you’re really young and you know you are a sexual minority, where can you hide from the evil, the physical abuse, the taunting and bullying? When public schools have become such dangerous places, where can you run to? Is the church a refuge, where a lesbian or gay teen can feel safe? Not yet.

In the Washington Post recently Debra Haffner, the Executive Director of the Religious Institute, reported a startling figure about gay teens:

“All of us have teens and young adults who are gay or lesbian in our congregations, many who are suffering in silence and are at risk. A study done by my colleagues at the Christian Community, found that 14% of teens in religious communities identify as something other than heterosexual. Almost nine in ten of them have not been open about their sexuality with clergy or other adult leaders in their faith communities. Almost half have not disclosed their sexual orientation to their parents. And nonheterosexual teens who regularly attend religious services were twice as likely as heterosexual teens to have seriously considered suicide. Our young people are dying because we are not speaking out for them.”The 14% figure startled me but doesn’t surprise me, since so many young people, who begin to discern they are “different” or “don’t fit in” with their peers—coming up in Christian households and churches—may be drawn to the genuine message of love and acceptance which the Christian faith has always proclaimed. Gay kids may be more likely to “stick around” seeking that love and acceptance when their heterosexual peers grow bored with the message because they don’t have the same self-doubt or self-esteem issues.Or maybe they used to. When I grew up, the Lutheran Church was so repressed that nobody talked about sex at all, period. I didn’t hear negative messages or positive ones, so I didn’t internalize any homophobia from my church. But today, it seems every evangelical pastor (not really, but it seems so) continually rants about homosexuality, and so the message of love and acceptance has qualifications, “fine print” that clearly excludes the teens who are bright enough to figure themselves out at an early age.Seth Walsh, 13, hung himself. Asher Brown shot himself in the head. Tyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington bridge into the Hudson. Tyler’s suicide cannot be attributed to bullying, even cyber-bullying, which figured into the tragic deaths of four other teens. Tyler was publicly shamed. But from the dark days decades back when homosexuals were considered a security risk because of the likelihood of blackmail—playing on the same dynamic of shame—bullying, intimidation, blackmail and shame have been almost one continuous spectrum from gray to black. For the love God, this must stop.The church of Jesus must stop promoting homophobia, and stop profiting by selling its own self-righteousness by being vehemently anti-gay. I am glad to say that more and more congregations are becoming open-hearted if not open-minded, realizing that while they may still have huge issues with homosexuality, it is not something for which any teenager should be driven to suicide.

However, as the welcoming movement grows in many Protestant denominations, for too many of them it is a very lame and generic welcome that now includes gay and lesbian people as long as there’s no real risk to the congregation. But there is some risk to openly saying that gay teens are welcome —not the least is the sense of “recruiting” the young to “the gay lifestyle.” The only way the church will get past that one is to work harder at educating their own members and the community around them that recruiting is a dangerous and cruel myth.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Ask. Tell. Call your Senator.

Friday, September 10th, 2010

I was both surprised and dumbfounded by the news in this morning’s Los Angeles Times that another domino has fallen in the war against reality. “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” has been dealt another significant blow, certainly equal to the House of Representatives’ vote to repeal the idiotic 1993 law. You can read the decision here.

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The “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Act, signed by President Clinton, was supposed to stop the witch-hunts in the U.S. Armed Forces by saying, basically, if you keep your mouth shut about your private life we will ignore your sexuality. The problem was the homophobic witch hunters are still homophobic, and DADT simply gave them a slicker way to guarantee the expulsion of “openly” gay/lesbian service members—who were “open” often only because they were pried out of their closets by the homophobic witch hunters. Since 1994, according to some sources, more than 13,000 personnel have been discharged.

Did anybody mention that the falling dominos also represent “circular reasoning”? The bottom line is that DADT didn’t “work” for anybody, and Judge Virginia Phillips’ decision yesterday illustrates this very well. Not only does the law treat gay/lesbian service members unfairly by denying them equal protection of the laws of this nation, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t protect our national security or combat readiness or unit cohesion or anything.

Judge Phillips, according to ABC News, will issue a permanent injunction against enforcing DADT in about two weeks.

The decision, from yet another California-based federal court, sounds amazingly like Judge Walker’s decision in the Perry v. Schwarzeneggar federal suit against California’s Proposition 8. Maybe it’s because it is attacking the same circularly-reasoned homophobic point of view of the original framers of DADT.

The government’s attorney, Paul G. Freeborne, apparently argued (in court?) that the whole issue is a political one that should be decided in Congress. The House already voted to repeal it. And now the court has said that matters of civil rights are not to be left to the political winds. According to the Times, we can thank backward-thinking Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) for blocking the Senate from debating DADT.

There is another parallel. The U.S. Justice Department mounted a pathetically weak defense in the lawsuit (because the law is nearly indefensible). In the Perry Propo 8 case, the defense called only two witnesses to speak on behalf of Prop 8, one of whom sort of caved in under cross-examination. In this case, Freeborne called none.  So while the public chatter about why we need to keep homosexuals out of the military—or at least why we need to stall making any big shocking changes within our military—went on and on among the homophobic conservatives, they could not actually produce witnesses to demonstrate, show or prove how exactly the presence of a gay or lesbian person who wants to serve his or her country in uniform was causing the downfall of our armed services.

Maybe they could have called Rev. Fred Phelps as a witness. He has tons of experience running around the country and telling everyone with his megaphone that God has damned America because we tolerate homosexuals, and that’s why our troops are being killed in two simultaneous wars. Hey, I didn’t say he would be a credible witness, but at least he has his testimony all prepped!

Seriously, this is the moment for the Obama administration to prove it wants to dump DADT. Could not Mr. Obama, for example, instruct the Department of Justice not to appeal the federal court ruling? According to 365Gay.com, attorney Freeborne has not commented on his loss in court. And according to Associated Press, the DOJ is “reviewing” the decision before it says what it will do next. We must wait and see whether the Department of Justice wants to press on with its official homophobia.

And timing is everything. According to the Washington Post Robert M. Gates, Obama’s Secretary of Defense (and the official defendant in this case in his official capacity for the United States of America), has wanted to wait for the Pentagon itself to complete its internal review of whether it could get by without DADT. But their report is not due until December, and that’s long after the November elections, in which it is possible that the Democrats will lose their grip on Congress. Hey, I have an idea: repeal it now, or don’t appeal the ruling at all, and let the law die for its own sins.

I said I was also dumfounded by the news, and that’s because the Log Cabin Republicans, a gay political organization [oxymoron not withstanding] was the plaintiff in the lawsuit. Like many so-called activists, I have long disregarded the Log Cabin Club as a powerless bunch of privileged/moneyed oppressees who cannot bring themselves to admit that they are feeding the mouth that bites them. Maybe now, after a six year lawsuit, some of the oxymoronic homosexuals will clearly see how hard it is to stop the homophobes when you have already gotten into bed with them.

But attorney Emma Ruby-Sachs, writing for the invariably liberal Huffington Post, doesn’t think that this win can save the Log Cabin Republicans. “They support a party that doesn’t support their equal treatment under the law. Despite claims to work within the party for socially progressive change, lending any support to Republicans in this day and age simply undermines equal rights and constitutional protections in this country.” In fact, Ruby-Sachs is pretty withering in her criticism, and she has some interesting factlets about the case itself.  And you can read LCR’s own comments about its victory here.

— Dan Hooper

We are not criminals.

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

I know “criminals.” They are people who have been convicted of crimes. All of us break laws, but criminals are those who are caught.

I recently learned (where have I been?) what a RAP sheet is.  It is an acronym for Record of Arrests and Prosecutions. It is part of my continuing education about crime and justice, especially in light of our congregation’s emerging Mariposa Ministry, its outreach to prisoners and parolees. We have developed relationships with more than a dozen current and former inmates in California prisons. And this year we expect to help –spiritually and tangibly– at least three men who will be paroled in Los Angeles County.

So I know criminals. But what I also know is that many ordinary people, who break laws, are never arrested or prosecuted largely because of privilege or good luck. It is sad to admit that the world is not divided between “good” people and “bad” people, but between privileged and lucky people and under-privileged and un-lucky people.

Decades ago, when I was dating, it was still a crime for two persons of the same gender to have sexual relations. This was long before Lawrence v. Texas, and the sodomy laws in almost every state had the authority to put decent, upstanding people behind bars. I was one of the privileged and lucky ones. Knowing my gay brothers who are in prison, I realize I could have been in prison myself in the 1970s and 1980s, simply for being who I am.

But our entire world is still struggling to enlarge its understanding of human diversity and to stop using laws as a moral bludgeon to punish or destroy what it does not understand or does not want to see.

This spring, as we have watched the blunt force of African nations, specifically Uganda, trying to blame perceived social ills as a Western degradation, with a proposed death penalty for homosexual acts, I have been encouraged that sane voices have spoken up world-wide.  Thank God for the likes of Anglican Bishop and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Desmond Tutu for leading this fight in Africa (see: Desmond Tutu leads fight to halt anti-gay terror sweeping Africa.”

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The battle is not over. But at least two gay men in Malawi have now been spared a near-certain death sentence (14 years of hard labor) for pledging their love to one another.  Their pardon came about, apparently, because of world moral pressure in the form of a meeting of the Malawian President Bingu wa Mutharika with U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

The CNN story released today quotes the White House as saying that gay people are “not criminals and their struggle is not unique.”

We are still mid-struggle in America for LGBTQI rights, and one of the battles we fight is with other oppressed peoples (including but not limited to African-American people) who don’t want to bestow the honored label of “civil rights struggle” on our movement. All it would take, I know, for our Black brothers and sisters to stop being protective of their struggle is for more Black gay men and lesbians to come out to their families and their communities. African-American sexual minorities, who have very little to fear by way of criminal conviction in this country for their sexual orientation or gender identity, could put their faces on the world-wide struggle for dignity, purpose and freedom. I hope the example two brave gay men in Malawi, Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, will encourage them.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Did you think you’d ever see the day?

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

When my parents were “getting up there,” fifty years ago the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) was in its infancy, but it was obvious that among other things the organization was a national union for conservatives and elderly poor who wanted a better break on insurance. So when I hit the Big Five-Oh! and started getting membership invitations from AARP, I did what any boomer generation member would do: I shredded their mailing immediately.

Maybe it’s time to revisit that decision.

This morning’s Los Angeles Times had a prominent article on LGBT seniors and the efforts of mainstream advocacy organizations such as AARP to get our elders a better deal. See:Medicaid and Social Security changes urged to help gay seniors.

Of course I’m still not comfortable counting myself among them,but stay tuned.

In following the Times story, I was actually quite amazed at the links I found.

Did you ever think you’d see the AARP web site covered with stuff about Stonewall, gay, and faith? This entire page has stories and information on point.

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The AARP web site: Did you ever think you would see the day?

With something like 40 million members, AARP is becoming one of the champions for equal rights for LGBT people because there are millions of us over 50. All the discrimination we’ve faced earlier in life is morphing into forms of elder discrimination. If you haven’t paid attention yet, it may be the time to start realizing how the lack of equal rights in this nation is going to hurt you big time as you age. If you’ve never been an activist for LGBT causes, your own aging may change you.

The Times writer mentions three issues as examples: Social Security and Medicare rules, survivor benefits, and making medical and end-of-life decisions for your partner. The SAGE report, which is being released today, also draws attention to another flashpoint issue in our society: “It calls on federal and state lawmakers to consider ways to legally recognize same-sex relationships so aging partners in a committed relationship can have access to the same support systems that benefit heterosexual seniors.”

I guess I never thought I’d live to see the day that senior citizens’ organizations would basically be calling for same-gender marriage rights. My hunch as to why it is happening is three-fold: boomers are becoming elders; older lesbian/gay people who were resistant to coming out earlier in life are gradually doing so as social acceptance of LGBT people continues to improve; and younger sexual minority persons who are coming out are more and more likely to come out to their entire family, including grandparents. So (heterosexual) elders who become sensitized and supportive of an LGBT grand child are also on the rise.

—Pastor Dan Hooper

Links: AARP and gay seniors issuesWisdom of the EldersAmerican Society on AgingSAGE USA

Counting on both visibility and invisibility.

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Diane Silver at 365Gay.com has a good perspective on the coming U.S. Census: “Get Counted! Why the Census is crucial to Gays.”

The article quotes Jaime Grant, the director of the Policy Institute of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.  “Without data, you have no community portrait, and without a portrait, you have no needs, you have no identity, you have no funding. The census has always had a civil rights component to it,” says Grant.

The LGBTQ community has its share of disagreements, and the Census is no exception. We know it can be to our advantage to be more visible. I remember paying attention ten years ago that our household could mark the form indicating we were unmarried partners, and still mark us both as being male.

Silver points out that the Census Bureau did not tabulate the data, beginning in 1990, which would have revealed a portrait of some of America’s lesbian/gay households. Outside entities, including the Policy Institute, dug out the story from the raw data.

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Credo Action is pushing a campaign to “Queer the Census” and if you identify yourself to them, you get a free sticker (Wow!—bumper, or back-pack?). Their web site says they’ve given away 29,940 stickers so far.

So why doesn’t the Census Bureau gather more information about LGBTQ households? There are two obvious reasons. Silver only mentions one: Congress has control of the Census. Although it is mandated in the U.S. Constitution, what data are gathered every ten years is tightly controlled by law and therefore by politics. At present there is no plan to add questions to the 2020 form about gender identity, sexual orientation, etc.

But the other reason that data is not gathered nor processed is that LGBTQ people have an ambivalent attitude about being visible. We like being out and proud when it is cool or advantageous to be out and proud. But we also like to evade detection when that is advantageous. We are sometimes evasive about describing or naming our significant relationships, for example. We deflect questions or avoid situations where we might have to leave a paper trail (a legal trail) about our lives.

Much of this is closetedness, but it is not enough for all of us to prod each other to “come out” and be counted. As a community, we still have reason to be fearful to identify ourselves as lesbian/gay/etc., as individuals, if the present openness of our society could possibly turn more negative and punitive again.

And we’re aware that coming out is usually a multi-part process that has to go on for a long time: first to a few trusted friends, and maybe family, employer, neighbors. But in public records?

It is often said that none of us are free until we are all free, and so it can be argued that none of us can truly be “out” until we’re all “out.” But with the constant rants and manipulations of the Religious Reich and the well-funded social conservatives/reactionaries at all levels of politics, it could be dangerous if the social, legal and political reforms we’ve made since 1969 were reversed.

How do you go back into a closet, if there are documents in publicly records in which you’ve identified yourself as lesbian or gay or transgender?

Personally, I threw my hat in the ring for the liberalizing trend and permanent change decades ago, but it was not without misgivings. When I accepted the call (job offer) to serve my church as an openly gay/partnered Pastor, and the story hit the Associated Press and the internet, I knew there was no turning back.

But I am very aware that not everyone has moved in that same direction of being permanently and irrevocably out, at least at the same place. So the Census Bureau forms will probably not change to fully and completely include us and count us until the LGBTQ people in this nation are overwhelmingly ready to take all the risks in order to claim all the rights.

— Pastor Dan Hooper