Sometimes I have conversations in my head with one or another point of view on this sexuality business, and I think I’m making headway, or can convince others of my own thinking—only to hear somebody else pop up with another oddball viewpoint or an idiotic attitude. And then one day, all the voices collided at the same time!

The Conservatives insist that the “homosexual lifestyle” is not the correct moral choice. “And,” they say, “people must be dissuaded by any means possible from making that bad choice.”

The LGBTQ movement says, “But when you put it that way, it’s not a choice at all! We don’t ‘make a bad moral choice.’ We just are who we are. It is not about behavior, it is about our sexual orientation.

The Conservatives then takes that term “sexual orientation,” and say, “Precisely! You have oriented yourself to the same gender, and that’s wrong and evil. Orientation is kind of like the direction you are facing. You are facing in an evil direction. So turn around and face God, truth and holiness, not evil.”

At this point the Professional Community interrupts, and says to the Conservatives, “Wait a minute! You are using the term ‘sexual orientation’ as if it is a matter of choice. What we Professionals mean by ‘orientation’ is the way in which an individual’s entire self is directed to the same or the other gender (or sometimes to either one, but bisexuality is pretty rare). The human self is a combination of genetic and hormonal development. We have not determined if sexual orientation is also due to “nurture” but it looks less and less like that’s the case. Anyway, the human being, the self’s sexual orientation may be pretty much fixed by the age of two years old.”

To which the Conservatives reply, “What do you know? We have other psychologists and professionals who say just the opposite—that kids who are pre-homosexual can be re-oriented through reparative therapy.”

To which the Psychological Professionals say, “Your so-called ‘experts’ are completely discredited by professional organizations, because their methodology has never been examined and tested in peer-review. And ‘reparative therapy’ has never gotten verifiable results. Even worse, it often does more harm than good.”

Scientists and Researchers then speak up. “We attempt to be dispassionate and neutral, but the facts are stacking up that it is neither the behavior of the parents nor of the child that causes heterosexuality or homosexuality. It is the behavior of the genes and maybe hormonal development in some people which result in a heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual individual.”

To which the LGBTQ community says, “Look, we don’t care how scientists and researchers define it. To us, sexual orientation means that we are who we are. We didn’t have a choice between heterosexuality and homosexuality. That’s not the point. The only choice is whether we accept ourselves and get on with our lives in a positive manner, in positive relationships, and live with pride and self-esteem, or hate ourselves, beat ourselves up, and hide in closets.”

“Precisely!” say the Conservatives. “You do have a choice! We said so all along, and you finally admitted it!!!”

“What? We said we really didn’t have a choice between heterosexuality and homosexuality, but …”

“But you do have a choice about your behavior, don’t you?” say the Conservatives. “Since your behavior is disgusting and evil, it clear you make a bad moral choice when you adopt a homosexual lifestyle.”

“But we are homosexual, so any lifestyle we can live is, by definition, a homosexual lifestyle.”

“That’s all it is. It’s all choice. You said so! You can choose not to behave in such a wicked way.”

“What? We’re supposed to choose to not behave as if we are who we are, but instead we are suppose to choose to be miserable, unhappy, without self-esteem, beating ourselves up for whom we are, and hiding in our closets?”

“Yes—considering how you really want to behave, you ought to hide that in the closet. It’s terrible! You don’t deserve to esteem that kind of behavior, and it’s your own fault—it’s your choice!—to pick a miserable and unhappy life for yourselves.”

“You’re nuts!” says the LGBTQ community. “You see everything as behavior, and just assume a person’s inner essence, orientation, even humanity and soul are of no importance.”

“People are all corrupt and evil, and only by turning to God can they turn away from evil choices.”

“There you go again, saying we choose to be homosexual. You are just chanting a mantra. You’re not listening to what we have learned and say about ourselves. One more time, and we’ll speak s-l-o-w-l-y: We did not choose our orientation, any more than you chose to be heterosexual.”

“You’re not listening, either!” say the Conservatives. “We chose to not act immorally, but to turn our life toward what is right. We are heterosexual because we choose to behave in the way our creator intended us to behave.”

“So you want us to behave heterosexually, even if we’re not heterosexual? Shall we go get into phoney marriages, and experiment on some poor spouse, and then admit later that we didn’t love them; we were just using them to appear to be heterosexual?”

“That’s not your only choice,” say the Conservatives. “If you are so screwed up inside that you can’t choose to live a normal, wholesome relationship, then you aren’t fit for any relationship.”

“So what do you recommend, O great and wise moralists? That we kill ourselves because our genes made us go bad and we don’t have the moral spine to go against our genes?”

“Of course not. Suicide is also a sin.”

“But you just said that we ought to be ashamed of ourselves for being homosexual. That’s the same as saying we ought to hate ourselves for who we are.”

“No, you should be ashamed of whom you have become because of how you behave,” say the Conservatives.

“So, give this to us ‘straight’. If we shouldn’t get into a heterosexual marriage of pretense, and we shouldn’t kill ourselves, how then should we live?”

The Conservatives then say, “Why can’t you just keep your pants zipped? Just don’t behave sexually if you can’t do it morally.”

“It’s not about sex,” the homosexuals say. “It’s about relationships. Stop assessing everything we do and say as if it’s about sex.”

“We didn’t say that,” says the spokesman for the Vatican. “Everything you do and say is just intrinsically evil. You and your homosexual movement and your point of view are all worthless. They have no social value whatever.”

“You took the words right out of our mouths,” say the Activists. “You and your goodie-good religion is basically worthless because you don’t care how many people you destroy in the process. It is you who have no social value.”

“And besides,” the Activists go on, “it is about sex. We’ve had it with this gay conservative appeasement crap. Sex is good, and we aren’t giving it up. Sex is good. Sexual expression is good. Sexual freedom is good. Sexual inhibition is stupid. We’re not caving in on this one so that Queer Assimilationists can have your marriages, your family rooms and brunch parties.”

“Thank you very much!” says the Conservatives. “I think we have enough good footage of you and your libertine, disgusting sexual excesses to send out DVD’s to everyone in Middle America, and raise another billion dollars to fight your filthy homosexual agenda!”

“It’s not ‘filthy!’” say the LGBTQ people. “You twist everything. There are gay and Lesbian couples who have been together for decades…”

“… Decades of disgusting, evil, filthy behavior,” say the Conservatives.

“You twist everything!! You don’t even know us, and yet you condemn us.”

“Everything you stand for should be condemned. It’s evil.”

“You see what you get into?” say the Activists. “Why even talk to them?”

“You see what you get into?” say the people from the Vatican. Your relationship is intrinsically evil and you should be celibate!”

“Well, you’re a fine representative for celibacy.” say the Activists. “You are hypocrites, preaching celibacy as a solution for everything, and then molesting children behind the scenes.”

“Don’t go there,” cry the Lawyers. “You may not discuss the molestation cases. You must refer all calls to your attorneys’ offices. And don’t turn over any documents. Keep quiet. They will eventually go away.”

“And besides, celibacy is a sham,” say LGBTQ people, “even by your own standards! Celibacy is possible only for those with a very special gift from the Spirit of God to enable them to live that life. For most people, who don’t have the gift, celibacy is just not a choice!!!”

“It is a choice!” says the Vatican. You can cooperate with God by remaining abstinent. Go to Mass every day, and pray constantly for strength.”

“And take cold showers, and pray a lot,” say the Baptists.

“Look, we’re not even religious!” say the Activists. “All that doctrine is a bigger pile of bull than the reparative therapy pile!”

“Volunteer for community service, and pray a lot,” say the Presbyterians.

“No, wait,” say the Lutherans. “Just wait a few more years, because we’re doing a study on it right now.”

“Well that is really choice!” say the Activists. “We’re already in very meaningful relationships, and you want us to put it on hold for a few years while you study us? You won’t even listen to us!”

“Evil is not ‘meaningful’,” interrupt the Conservatives, “it’s filthy!”

“Of course we listen!” say the religious Study Commissions. “We even have a representative on our committee who is actually a homosexual…”

“One out of how many? Thirty? What’s his name, ‘Joe Token?’ Would you do a study on women and put 29 men on the committee? Would you study Blacks with 29 Whites on the committee?”

The Conservatives cut in again. “You see, they are evil and disgusting. And you cave in to them! They have a homosexual agenda to take over your liberal church. And this is the way they treat you!”

The Activists get really hot, and interject, “They’re all alike. Who cares if they’re Catholic or Presbyterian or Lutheran, or Fred Phelps, or Jesus Christ? They are so screwed up it doesn’t make any difference at all!”

“That’s blasphemy!” cry the Baptists.

“It’s a free country!” cry the Activists.

“Not when we take over!” cry the Fundamentalists.

“That’s evil,” cry the Activists.

“That is not helpful and productive dialogue, ” say the Lutherans and Methodists and Presbyterians.

“It’s intrinsically evil!” says the Vatican.

“Will you just keep quiet?” whisper the Protestants to the Vatican. “You can’t even deal with divorce or birth control or your own child-molesting priests and your high-priced attorneys!”

“Obesa cantavit! [Latin for “the fat lady has sung,” i.e., it’s over.] says the Vatican spokesman. “We’re outa here!”

“Where you gonna go?” cry the Fundamentalists. “Most of your priests are queer! Ha, ha!”

“To bring us back to the center of the dialogue, we don’t think you have budged one inch about the mis-understanding of choice,” says the LGBTQ community.

Then some of the Lesbians start whispering to each other, “But we do have a choice!”

“Will you just keep quiet!?” whisper the Gay Men to the Lesbians and Activists. “They get confused if the ideas are complex.”

“No, it’s you who should keep quiet. We will not be crucified on a cross of prudery or sexual orientation! What difference does it make if it is or isn’t a choice? They still hate us, whether we had anything to do with choosing our sexuality or not. Frankly, we choose to express ourselves sexually, and if they don’t like it, it’s just too bad.”

“They’re right!” say the Conservatives. “No matter what you say, we’re not buying it. You have the same choice that everybody has, to be moral and upstanding, God-fearing, or to be evil and degenerate!”

“Leave God out of this,” say the Activists. “There is a separate of church and state in this country, you know!”

“Not for much longer!” say the Fundamentalists. “In case you haven’t noticed, the Lord’s men will chase the Devil and the Muslim sympathizers out of the White House, and the Born-Again Christians will take over this country once and for all!! And we’re going to do everything possible to keep people like you from perverting the impressionable young minds of our children.”

“Talk about an AGENDA, it’s the Christians who are trying to impose their view on everybody in the world,” say the Activists. “It is you who are twisting their minds, and teaching them to hate other people who are different.”

“Not all Christians think alike on this,” say the Christian Caucus groups. “We don’t think it’s a sin at all to live our lives honestly as LGBTQ Christians.”

“We do,” say the Fundamentalists.

“We don’t,” say the Caucus groups.

“Let’s make one last attempt to be reasonable,” says the LGBTQ community. “Do you Christians realize what you’re saying to us—as a whole? You call it ‘evil’ if we’re sexually promiscuous and reckless, and you call it ‘evil’ even if we settle down with a partner for our entire life-time. You don’t see any qualitative distinction, do you?”

“Of course not, it’s all disgusting! You’ll burn in hell for it if you don’t stop!”

“Well, if we’re going to burn in hell if we’re promiscuous and we’re going to burn in hell if we’re not promiscuous but settle down with a partner, why don’t you just go all the way and admit that you hate us and be done with it. It’s all about hate, not morality!”

“We don’t hate you. We hate the sin, not the sinner!”

“You hate the sin and murder the sinner!!” say the Activists. “e need hate crimes legislation now!”

“Well that’s another phoney distinction we don’t see,” says the LGBTQ community. “We have no use for a religion that says we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.”

“You are damned if you do evil, so why not turn away from evil and do good?”

“How can you say it’s evil if it’s not hurting anybody, and we’re living happy and productive lives as gay and lesbian people? Many of us are also Christian, and we have found great peace and reconciliation between being who we are as gay and lesbian people and being Christian.”

“That’s nonsense. You can’t be Christian and homosexual. And you can’t be happy because you’re sad and pathetic!”

“Well, to us it looks like you can’t be happy if you aren’t condemning someone else.”

“Father, forgive them,” says Jesus, “for they know not what they’re talking about!”

—Pastor Dan Hooper