Just say no.

I took a friend with me today to help me dismantle a used greenhouse I have purchased (another story for another time). He’s single and unemployed. We got into a conversation about a male friend of his whom I do not know.

“Peter” is not gay. He told me that this other friend of his is gay. Peter is not the kind who has hang-ups about sexual labels. His brother is gay. He knows I am too, and he knows lots of gay people, especially around our church. He is not quick to judge, and he’s not uncomfortable around gay men.

Or, he is overly respectful and careful of how to talk about his discomfort. To make a long story short, he went to this friend’s house for the weekend, apparently to help him do some handy-man kind of work. Peter needs work and needs money, and this recession is especially cruel to those who are chronically unemployed. But being with the “friend” for the weekend –which of course meant sleeping over as well—can take a strange turn. Peter said there was lots of beer, lots of TV, videos, etc. In fact— and he was so shy to explain this to me because he still calls me Pastor— after enough beer, the videos turned to porn.

Okay, he finally began to voice to me that he was uncomfortable, and I think he was looking for the language to articulate that discomfort. I guess I helped him by asking questions, and learned that it was heterosexual porn —something I am guess that his gay “friend” thought might appeal to Peter, especially after a few beers.

If Peter lacked the right words or awareness to talk about his discomfort with this development, I suspect it was because straight men are not used to recognizing the signs of what I sense as sexual entrapment. Women are more aware of this stuff. It fits the larger patterns of sexual abuse that range from sexual manipulation all the way up to and including rape.

I think Peter is a bit naive, given his life experiences. Or, I am a bit more likely to jump to conclusions. Either way, I did come to the conclusion that Peter needs help processing how to say “no thanks” to his gay friend without losing the friendship. To me that is a bit ironic, since gay people are often the ones who don’t want to risk losing a friend — one of the factors in the dynamic of staying closeted.

As the conversation went on, Peter told me more details of the weekend, which I don’t think I need to share in this blog, but I recognized the traits of sexual predation over and over in what he told me. I tried to help him see the common threads with other forms of behavior that are usually labeled as sex abuse or child abuse. The most important factor is that if the relationship is not between peers or equals, it is impossible for one person to say No and be assured that his or her No will be respected. Children do not have the power to give an unconditional No to an adult who may try to lure or force them into sexual behaviors. Women do not always have the power to say No to a man.

Straight men, stereotypically, didn’t have to worry about such things at all, coming from either another man or a woman. Yet here was a straight man sitting in the passenger seat of my car explaining in detail that he was really uncertain how to say No. The “unequal” relationship between friends, in Peter’s situation, is that the friend was paying him money to help with handy-man tasks and giving him lodging, meals, beer and entertainment. Maybe Peter remembers his parents telling him, as a small boy, not to accept candy from a stranger. But maybe he didn’t immediately get the connection between candy and beer/videos/oddjobs.

So what’s the moral of the story? That straight men have something to fear from gay men? No. But men of all orientations still tend to think they can manipulate, control, buy, rent or work other people into sexual behaviors. The only legitimate sexual behavior is that which is grounded in the uncoerced, unmanipulated consent of the parties. Period.

— Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

This entry was posted on June 8, 2009 at 21:00 and is filed under Sex, Ministry. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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