I thought you should know.

May 31, 2009 by Pastor Dan.

I just had an interesting conversation this evening, at a Lutherans Concerned/Los Angeles reception/happy hour with a young woman enrolled in seminary. The subject we stayed on for a few minutes was “coming out.”

I don’t get around to this very often in this blog any more, even though I identified it two years ago as a subject worth blogging about —especially for Christians who are sometimes deeply conflicted about being lesbian/gay and Christian. Most of my conversations are with people who are already out, or at least partially out ~ somewhat open about their sexuality even if they’re selective about how they’ve shared it with. It kind of spooks me when I meet someone new who is only recently coming out to self or others. It’s hard to imagine any more that closeted people are still, well, in their closets. As time goes by, kids come out at earlier and earlier ages, so that a completely open gay boy of 13 or 14 is not unheard of. In contrast, when I was that age, it was homosexuality that seemed to be unheard of, and I was into my college years before I had the freedom and furtiveness to search the campus library for any information about it.

The young woman told me that she had come to her local Lutheran church directly from another church. She had been highly regarded there, apparently, and about to be elected or appointed as an officer of that congregation when (it sounded almost like an afterthought) she felt that full disclosure would be important. So she met with key people and said something like, “I just thought you should know,” that is, that she has a female partner of a number of years, etc.

They apparently didn’t take it well, hadn’t imagined it, and told her immediately that she couldn’t be an officer of their congregation, and in fact couldn’t even serve on a committee. But she could still come to church. That lasted about two weeks before she left and found a welcoming, LGBT-positive Lutheran church in the same neighborhood.

As in the church she left behind, there are hundreds—thousands of churches that still have closeted lesbian/gay members (some young, some not young at all) who must watch their backs and whose pastors and fellow parishioners probably don’t suspect they are lesbian, gay, etc. How can this be? I wonder if it happens because the self-righteous and un-welcoming churches must somehow assume that the general public has heard their zero-tolerance policy clearly enough not to attempt to come in or try to infiltrate. They must be shocked, shocked, to discover a Lesbian has sneaked past the gates. But what about the very young teenager who was born into a Christian congregation, only to discover their true inner sexuality 13 or 14 years later.

What was remarkable to me was that we had this conversation now, in 2009, rather than 1989 or 1979. Is this kind of secrecy/fear or rejection/exclusion really still going on in 2009?

You bet it is. The young woman reminded me of a Lutheran parish, I think in Minnesota, that after being a Reconciling in Christ (welcoming) congregation for a time, voted to bail out of the program: they actually decided to become unwelcoming. And to my mind the only reason that can still happen in this century is because the kids growing up there are afraid to come out.

How can I talk to kids, for example, who are14 or 15 years old about being Christian and lesbian or gay, or bisexual/transgender, etc., when they probably don’t know how to talk about it, or how to meet anybody like themselves to talk to? The internet of course—places like this blog—is a door that is wide open for kids who may be uncertain, intimidated, scared or, God forbid, already abused or severely punished because they tried to come out or to get truthful information.

Twenty years ago, Lutherans Concerned periodically sent out mailings to every Lutheran congregation in our region. Sometimes we included a simple poster, with our phone number in very big type.

665-LCLA

We imagined a scared kid who didn’t dare let on to anybody that s/he wanted to know more about being lesbian or gay. Maybe the secretary of the church would allow the poster to be put up on a bulletin board. And maybe these kids would see it, and without revealing even a nonchalant interest in it, could see the number from across the room and memorize the phone number.

Yes, we did get a few calls like that, but the young person on the other end of the phone line was too scared to give us a full name or an address to send more information or a monthly newsletter.

Enter the internet, and the information is all here and nobody has to give names at all if you don’t want to, and even a 14 year-old Christian kid knows how to surf the web and then delete your browsing history so other users of the computer won’t have a clue where you’ve been cruising. Of course, getting good information and advice on coming out doesn’t take away the frustrating, painful, risky work of actually coming out.

If you are that kid, remember: (1) God loves you as you are (2) don’t panic; (3) the love and truth of the Gospel is much bigger and more powerful than all the little narrow minds in your local church; (4) you’re only a teenager for a short time, so you will have greater and greater freedom to explore and express your real self as you grow; (5) Google for help, for answers, for advice and for trustworthy counsel (and I don’t mean Twitter or Craig’s List or chat rooms!); (6) if necessary, delete your browser’s history; (7) trust your own inner feelings and experiences because the Holy Spirit may be speaking to your heart and guiding you to do the right thing for your life.

—Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

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