Do you remember the expression, “The Perfect is the enemy of the Good”?  People will never get Good stuff done if they are only satisfied with Perfect. The lust for Perfection makes us unsatisfied, even angry with what is Good.

I have seen this in people’s lives — in the search for that Perfect boyfriend or husband material, in endless shopping sprees, in home improvement projects that went 200% over budget, you name it.  Most of all I see it in how people treat people.

This seems to be an endemic trait with gay men, especially. The image I have of the “best little boy in the world” is someone who grew up trying to be Perfect in order to be loved and accepted.  Even before we could understand why we wouldn’t be loved, why we might be rejected, we intuitively started striving to be Perfect.

And as we got older and began to suspect “it” at the deepest levels of our consciousness, we hoped maybe that if we were Perfect in every other way, somehow our variant sexuality could be overlooked or condoned.

(I use the term variant sexuality because it is non-judgmental.  I have spent too many years deflecting criticism of what others defined as deviant sexuality.  The denotation of “variant” and “deviant” is practically the same — meaning something that varies or deviates from a “norm.”  But the word “various” does not have the same connotation as “devious.”  But, hey!  Am I just searching for the Perfect adjective because of a lifelong habit of not being satisfied with a Good adjective?).

At some point maybe a dozen years back I began to try to unload this Perfectionism.  Was it an acquaintance who told me I was a Perfectionist?  And I argued, Perfectly of course, that I am not a Perfectionist.  It’s just that other people are all such slackers!  But like heavy baggage with no handles or wheels, I began to set down this Perfectionism.  I have just as much right to breathe the air on this planet as all other living beings.  I do not have to earn my right to be a live and be myself anymore than I have to “earn” God’s grace (which after all is defined as a “gift”).

As the years go by, of course, I’ve never gotten completely free of Perfectionism, mine or others’ stifling desire to be better, superior, ultimate.  As a friend recently said of the gay people in his congregation, “it’s never done until it’s overdone.”  I’ve gotten sucked into projects or jobs with other people who are obsessed with Perfectionism, and will bring the Good to a grinding halt if it can’t be Perfect.
Perfectionism seeps into relationships, I have found, when I do something Good (a good deed, a good job, a good time, or a good look) but my friend or spouse or co-worker almost subconsciously points out that it might have, or could have, or should have been done better.  And the words of a wise counselor of years ago come back to me:  Don’t “should” on people!

The Perfect devalues the Good. And the Perfect guy looks down his nose on Good guys. But since none of us is actually Perfect —not in God’s sight and not in one another’s finely -tuned tastes and sensibilities—we keep up a pretense of Perfection, or the pursuit of Perfection, which deep down is eating away at our humanity, eroding our self-esteem, and poisoning our friendships, intimate relationships and loyalties.

But shouldn’t we always strive to be “better” human beings?  I think that’s the Calvinist Sunday School lesson which so many little gay boys internalized like homophobia (and as gay men wind up pouring out of their memories on therapists’ couches).  Well, perhaps.  But maybe being a “better” human being would actually mean to better accept people for who they are (think:  [1] Serenity Prayer), to better know my own limitations, and to make the world a better place just by getting Good stuff done in my life rather than being blocked by a desire for the Perfect.

—Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles