A Dearth of Love?

There will be no sudden rash of lesbian weddings or gay weddings in our congregation.

That’s not because the leadership or membership are opposed to same-sex weddings. The Council voted, before I was even considered as their pastor, to permit the use of the Sanctuary for same-sex ceremonies. So the commitment of the church is there to see this as a real ministry.

And it would not be because we have no lesbian or gay members. The percentage of the membership has been steadily growing for years, because lesbian and gay people see this church as open, welcoming, supportive and genuine in our commitment to try to follow Jesus.

It would be because there are very few couples—five at last count, another one or two of whom one member of the couple belongs to the church. Largely, our lesbian/gay membership are singles.

Some are happy being single, and aren’t particularly interested in explaining further. Others will make casual comments that the right man or the right woman has not come along. Either they have been unlucky in love, or are perpetually shopping.

I cannot help but wonder, not about these as individuals, but about lesbian and gay people as a group, that we are still so submerged by social rejection, a.k.a. homophobia, that we cannot fall in love or make commitments—or if we’ve made them, are emotionally and spiritually unequipped to care for and feed those relationships to keep them healthy.

Internalized homophobia was a big subject twenty years ago. It has been used to explain everything from male promiscuity to broken relationships to low self-esteem, to the evasive way in which even permanent partners would refer to one another obliquely, to conceal the nature of the relationship. Internalized homophobia and being closeted were cloaked with the same dark covering, stained with the same black ink. Things deeply buried, we theorized, kept us from recognizing our true self-worth, and our entitlement (yes, entitlement) to breathe the same air, inhabit the same planet and pursue happiness the same as everybody else who is living.

Nowadays, there is nothing fresh to be said about internalized homophobia. While the larger society is still wringing its hands about the causes and the effects of sexual orientation (as recently as this past Monday’s Los Angeles Times Health Section), the lesbian and gay community have essentially stopped thinking about. We believed that we had somehow gotten over it, taken care of it, put it aside as a relic of our past along with shag carpeting, oversized playpen sofas and Princess telephones.

What does gay look like?, Los Angeles Times, June 16, by Regina Nuzzo

But the dearth or absence or paucity of love is palpable. At last count there was something nearing 100,000 domestic partnerships registered in the state of California. Domestic partnership more or less resemble marriage (not enough to suffice for the Supreme Court), bestowing a lot of rights and responsibilities on same-gender couples. But only 100,000? California has a population of 30 million, of which we can safely assume 3–10% are gay or lesbian. That would suggest there should be a million domestic partnerships, if we really want to secure our rights and protect our family through legally-recognized relationships.

Where is everybody? Alas, I suspect that 90% of everybody feel unloved or are still looking for love in all the wrong places, or like the long-term unemployed have simply given up looking.

I can only hope that the legal permissibility of marriage will encourage those who are unsure of themselves. It moved me deeply to see the majority opinion of the Supreme Court repeatedly reference the respect of the community as a necessary part of equal recognition for same-sex couples. Maybe the language of respect and honor will begin to undo what deeply-buried internalized homophobia has done to us — at least in the younger generation. We can hope.

— Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

This entry was posted on June 18, 2008 at 10:19 and is filed under Lesbian/Gay Marriage, LGBT Christian, Public Affairs, Ministry. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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