The Trouble with Conspiracy Theories

November 28, 2007 by Pastor Dan.

When I am in a hurry, (in other words, all the time), I become easily annoyed by things which don’t seem to cooperate: the rubber brake pedal that repeatedly falls off on the car floor, the drawer that won’t come unstuck, the tool from which an essential screw or part drops precisely at the moment when I am on a high ladder with it . . .

You get the picture. Every machine, or part, or material, or object, it seems, has not only the physical qualities which we see, and the force of inertia, but also some hidden, demonic ability to not work or to fall apart precisely when it shouldn’t. “Inside of every little problem is a bigger problem waiting to get out,” said Murphy in one of his famous laws. To which I add my own corollary: “Impeding every daily activity is some object which is broke, stuck, the wrong size, corroded, disintegrating, or back ordered.”

Recently my friend Ron explained this all to me as “The Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects.” In animate objects, he insists, really are ganging up on us! I had never much believed any of those conspiracy theories that roam the internet via e-mail (and did I mention how often e-mail is stuck, broken, the wrong size, corrupted, etc.?). There is another good saying to dispense with most conspiracy theories: “Never attribute to conspiracy what simple stupidity will explain.” For example, virtually everything our government does. Which government (city, county, state, federal), you ask? You fill in the blank.

But The Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects seems to explain virtually everything which stupidity will not explain. It is certainly more satisfying than calling the scissors or stapler, the carburetor, the door key, the door bell, lawn mower, fireplace damper, suitcase handle, cell phone, calculator, printer, or postal worker STUPID.

Beware! They are all conspiring against us! Especially people. Ron’s Conspiracy Theory also helps to explain people who are problems precisely because they become inanimate objects, almost on cue. In other words, obstacles. Inanimate means without animation. They have no “anima” or spirit. They block the store aisles, they brake for no reason, they clog every service station and convenience store, they stand in long lines in every government building, they park on the web, using up bandwidth until their session times out.

By the way, I take that back about postal workers. I have stood in line many times at the local USPS and had a hard time deciding which was more inanimate, stupid or conspiratorial: the employee or the customer on my side of the counter.

Did I mention that I am in a hurry and impatient a lot of the time? Okay, all the time? The Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects explains the problem here, because this demonic force—the conspiratorial force inside of most objects and too many people—has a built-in stress detector which monitors my stress level and misbehaves accordingly.

I just had another birthday. And alas, as I go through the inevitable aging process, I have made a very PAINFUL discovery: my own body is becoming one of those inanimate objects: creaky, broken, stuck, corroded. Stretching, yoga, push-ups and sit-ups are less and less effective, more and more of a reminder that the day will come when I am finally laid out as an inanimate object, and put in some box or incinerator.

The trouble with the Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects theory is that it explains too much. It even reminds me that my patience with stuff, people and self is constantly becoming more brittle, rigid, stuck or corroded. In my most charitable moments, I pray for greater patience — I really do. But, it never arrives. I guess it must be back-ordered.

—Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

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